The Relationship Lady

I’M PMS HIDE YOUR KNIVES!!!

The Relationship Lady wants to speak out about a horrible syndrome that is destroying good relationships.  You may have heard of it PMS or as I have recently labeled it PART MONSTER SYNDROME.   Now ladies some of you may have the everyday run of the mill PMS  but I have what’s called PMDD.. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder and is in the psych book…   which means it’s a  mental illness see the signs below

·       Food cravings or binge eating

·       Mood swings marked by periods of teariness

·       Panic attack

·       Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people

·       Trouble concentrating

·         Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness

• Disinterest in daily activities and relationships

·       Fatigue or low energy

·        Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts

·       Feelings of tension or anxiety

·       Feeling out of control

·       Sleep disturbances, headaches

So instead of being Part Monster I turn into the full on Wolf woman and Frankenstein’s bride.

  For instance while in the grocery store as I pushed my basket around every corner with my eyes and body language I dared other shoppers to hit my basket so I could either RAM them or RUN them over!   But alas none took the bait. 

Walking down the street afterwards I saw a young man wearing those stupid sagging pants… his butt and under ware showing his pants hanging  down to the bottom of his hips. 

It took all I had not to use my old running  broad jump technique  to catch up to him  tackle him and pull those pants up over his head… and whip him with his own belt!!

The Relationship Lady wants to help you and your spouse or loved ones to make it through this ten days or so of PART MONSTER HORROR—and perhaps it will help The Relationship Lady with her own problems.   

Men

First of all I suggest putting all sharp objects away…. For some reason during this time my mind often goes to Oh they think they can do that to me…. I’m gon’ have to CUT somebody!!!!    No, for real anger, rage and violence can happen during this time.  Please watch out for flying pots of grits, and stilettos aimed at your head.

This is not the time to have any heavy duty relationship conversations.   You are not talking to a normal woman you are talking to a monster—who might do things that monsters do—like to bite your head off… well The PMS monster is no exception. 

 Men if your wife ask you a question that sounds like a trick question—Am I fat?  You had better find a way to change the subject quick or start commenting on how beautiful she is etc, etc, etc.    This is no time for heart to heart truth talks.  This is not time to bring up some past fight or misunderstanding… In fact guys  step carefully to avoid many of the PMS mines— everything will be going just fine and then you will BOOM!!  Step on a PMS mine and your whole day will be blown to bits.

 The next think you know your wife’s head is spinning around and you find yourself dancing in place hoping to avoid the next blow up.  And don’t try to leave that won’t work either then you will be met with tears and hysterical about how you don’t understand and how insensitive you are.  No the best course of action is just to stay put and don’t say too much.

Men also remember what happens during this time don’t take it personally or don’t take it as how she really feels.   She is just in a state of heighten emotions – with the temporary growth of horns and tail.   Once it’s over she will be her sweet loveable self. 

Men probably not a good idea to remind her how much ice cream cookies or cake she has eaten in the last several days.   Women who are PMS crave sugar…  so you might as well go with it and not get in the line of fire on that one…  although she will probably ask you once the PMS is gone away why you didn’t stop her.   Oh well better talk about it then instead of the midst of the MONSTER Syndrome.

Women this is also not a time to deal with any of your in-laws that you don’t particularly like.    It’s very likely that you will say something to them … like

·         I can’t stand you anyway

·         kiss my ass,

·         or the proverbial , Your mama! 

I say definitely avoid any in-laws that you already have problems with.   PMS creates a kind of impulsivity that has you writing checks that your ass may not be able to cash!!!  if you know what I mean.

 I had a huge argument yesterday with an in-law and my husband was not real happy about it…  I didn’t like this person anyway… and now that my WERESHARON had taken over he was damn well gonna know it!!

 basically I was out of control… and once it got started it was on an poppin and I could not stop myself to save my life.  Me and my in-law deleted each other from facebook… but I wouldn’t be thwarted I signed on to my husbands facebook and continued the fight…     Not so good.    I have now been banned from my husband’s facebook.

Women be fair to your man try not to ask him any baiting questions… I know you are feeling vulnerable but try to hold some of those questions till after your period comes it will turn out a whole lot better.

Other things not to do!

·        This is not a time to do a review with your boss – see if you can postpone it.

·        This is not a time to try to make up with friends you have fallen out with… yes you may be emotional and want to mend the relationship…. But just wait till after your period comes and see if you still the same way.  Bottom line I it’s best if everyone is realistic and realizes that this is a real THING…. You really do have a PART MONSTER in your house for 10 days or so and you need to act accordingly. 

·        Do not call your cell phone company  or your bank or anybody that you might have to cuss out!   I know , I know ya’ll are spiritual… ya’ll don’t cuss no more….  Until that PMS Demon takes hold of you.  Chandala  PMS bowtime !!! (Tongues to rebuke the PMS demon)

So men give your wives a break—they don’t mean to be like this they can’t help it.   Try to listen, be helpful and just say to yourself this will be over soon. 

 Try keeping track of when the MONSTER will show up in your home so you are not blindsided or think you are dealing with Dr. Jeckel instead of Miss Frankenstein Dracula Hyde!

THE RELATIONSHIP LADY asks that all that have read this pray for her  she has 2 more  PMS days to go and she is thinking of quarantining herself to the house , and not using the phone so as to avoid any – uh mishaps

Copyright Sharon Nash Oct. 4 2010

THE HEART OF THE MATTER -BISHOP LONG

The Relationship Lady wanted to comment on the Bishop Long situation.

Everyone is pointing their fingers at Christians and churches and Mega churches trying to make sense of what has happened in Atlanta.   But this is not a Christian problem or a church problem, or a New Birth problem, or a black problem or even a male problem in my opinion. 

 This is a Heart problem.

Jeremiah 17:9

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

 SIN and EVIL resides in the heart of every man.  Sex crimes are everywhere throughout the world.  

·        In Africa the rape problem is through the roof. Witch doctors tell men to rape babies 4 months old 9 months old and it will give them good luck or cure their Aids.  They do it splitting these babies open— Horrific!! 

·         A man in Austria kept his daughter in the basement for 20 years and had 5 or so children by her.

·         A man in Norway called The Pocket Man molested and raped 150 boys in Norway—The call him a serial pedophile.

·        Throughout Europe Muslims are now doing jihad rapes against white women and teenage white girls and turning them into sex slaves. 

·         In Cambodia 4 and 5 year old girls are sold by their families to become prostitutes  

·        In India they do they same thing sell their darker daughters to brothels

·        In some of the polygamist Mormon cults the men marry teenage girls sometimes against their wills.

·        In Iran as of June 2002 it is legal for a 9 year old girl to marry with her parents’ permission. Voices Behind the Veil p.136-137 

This is a HEART problem that spans all colors, classes, countries generations and centuries.  The bible even speaks several times about various horrible sexual crimes.  

 .

Judges 19:22  While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, “Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him.”

   The man instead sent the visitors concubine out to the men.  They brutally raped and abused her all night and left her on the door step dead.  The man chopped her dead body into 12 pieces and sent her to each of the tribes of Israel to show them what a disgraceful thing had been done.  

Can you imagine????? What about a brother raping a sister?

 King David’s son Amnon set up his sister Tamar. He manipulated her and pretended that he was sick and asked her to come and bring him food to his room  

2 Samuel 13:11-14   11But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister.” 12“Don’t, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. 13What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. 14But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.

Lot’s daughters decided to get their father drunk and have sex with him so that they could have children after Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed;

 Genises 19:31-36

33That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

34The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I lay with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.” 35So they got their father to drink wine that night also and the younger daughter went and lay with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

36So both of Lot’s daughters became pregnant by their father

This does not just exist in Judo Christian culture. But Muhammad reportedly had a bride who was 6 years old.  

2116) ‘A’ishah said: The Apostle of Allah (May peace be upon him) married me when I was seven years old. The narrator Suleiman said: Or six years. He had intercourse with me when I was nine years old.” Sunan Abu Dawud vol.2 book 5 ch.700 no.2116 p.569

But back to Bishop Long-

  If this is true his behavior is not just gay or same sex in nature.  But it is PREADATORY, manipulative which we also see in the 3 bible stories above.  People who wanted what they want regardless of who they had to hurt to get it.  

A sexual predator lays in the cut like a lion going after a gazelle hiding and waiting for just the right time to pounce on the weakest ones. 

 You’ve seen National Geographic it’s usually the weakest, youngest or slowest animal— one at the back of the pack that they catch.  

With sexual predators too—kids, women, young men, who have problems at home, have single mothers, runaways etc.  

It is also a misuse of POWER.   We have seen this over and over again with sports figures, entertainers and politicians The Tigers, Bill Clintons, governors, pastors, priests CEO’s of companies   they use their power, position and charisma to get what they want.   

What is the answer to this what can we do?

This also happens in some of our own families. But nobody talks about it we keep it secret.

1.      Stop keeping secrets- if you are around this sort of thing and you see it report it BLOW the whistle even if it cost you your job.  Sometimes because of the manipulation it is hard for the person involved to speak out.  But you can speak out.   You can question them about it. 

     You can take it to someone who can do something about it.  Whether it is the Elders in the     church, human resources or the police if need be.

2.      Please don’t sweep it under the rug or keep it “Just between us in the family” The victim needs to know you are on their side and this is serious and you will protect them.  Do what needs to be done to make sure the perpetrator does not have the opportunity to do it to anyone else.  

3.       Please don’t look the other way.  God holds us accountable for what we know and what we see and what we do with what we know and what we see.

  4.   Pray-The perpetrator needs help just like the victim pray for both of them.   He/she may need to have counseling, medication or jail.   But if you let it go they will continue to go from victim to victim and sometimes from generation to generation. A family member may molest one child and then when they’re grown up molests their children because no one brought it out in the open.

Finally, because it is a HEART problem we are to keep our hearts clean. And one way to do that is circumcision—

You’re probably saying that’s a strange word to use?  

In Deuteronomy 10:16, God tells us to “circumcise the foreskin of your heart, and be stiff-necked no longer.” Here, He commands us to do the circumcising. Deuteronomy 30:6, God says He will perform the circumcision: “And the LORD your God will circumcise your heart.”  

This means take away the dead, corrupt parts of our hearts and also tell God about it and He will begin to take it away.

·         Look at them deal with them

·          Pray and fast about them get counseling—

·         have accountability. 

Whatever you do don’t ignore it and think that it will go away.   Remember, Sin is crouching at the door waiting for you. 

If you have sexual issues that are secret get help before it gets out of control. If you have Emotional and spiritual wounds from past abuse/trauma get help!

  Part of disarming this kind of HEART problem is shining light into those dark places.  Tell somebody!    

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24).

ARE YOU AFRAID OF TO GET DEEP?

Do I have a history of pursuing or becoming wildly enthusiastic about new partners whom you later reject?

•  Are you consciously aware that you are ambivalent of afraid of commitment?

• Do you often feel the need to create distance in your relationships?

• Are you convinced that somewhere there is a perfect person who will help you overcome that fear?

• As your relationships become more intense and more intimate do you often begin to find more faults and reasons why you shouldn’t make a commitment

• In your relationship are you the one who sets most of the rules including how often you will see each other?

• Do expectations of demands make you feel trapped and resentful?

• Once a relationships initial stage is over, are you conscious of setting things up so that your partner will have fewer expectations

• When a relationship ends do you allow almost no time to elapsed before finding a new partner?

• Do the demands of a relationship make you feel that someone is encroaching on your space?

Men and women with commitment conflicts can be loving , they can be tender and they can be involved.  that is until the relationship in question looks like it might develop into a lifetime thing.  when permanency is introduced into the equation, fear surfaces.

  remember that permanency means different things to different people.  some hypersensitive individuals feel threatened as soon as the first or second date if they believe that more will ultimately be expected of them others may not feel stuck for years.   

 commitment phobia-a claustrophobic response to intimate relationships.  The dictionary defines claustrophobia as a fear of enclosed or narrow spaces.  -to a commitment phobic that’s what a relationship symbolizes.  an enclosed space in which he or she may get stuck.   commitment phobia comes with all the classic phobic symptoms;

headaches, gastronic disturbances, nausea, nervousness, excessive swearing, chills intense anxiety, palpitations, hyperventilation, labored breathing, suffocating sensations, a general sense of dread.

 These are all fight of flight responses— the body’s way of mobilizing itself against a threat.  and it is how people with severe and active commitment conflicts respond when they feel they are involved in a romantic situation that bear the trappings of permanency.  the brains send a message to the body;  I’m terrified.  and the body send a message back: Danger! Get Out! Now!

The  body thinks there is a war— who is the foe? 

 For someone with a genuine commitment phobic response, the foe is the relationship itself. 

 its’s the loss of freedom that’s frightening.  if on some visceral level you equate commitment with the loss of freedom,  then commitment may be anxiety provoking or even truly terrifying.  Your body gets prepared to help you escape.  it will respond to the relationship the same way it would respond if you were a claustrophobic trapped in an elevator, an airplane, a crowd or a closet. 

some people just experience overwhelming panic the minute the relationship gets tight fear sets in. 

If this sounds like you…. there is help.  Stay tuned I will post ways to move out of this fear.   

This is from the book He’s Scared She’s Scared the Hidden Fears which Sabotage our Relationships.  Pick it up it is a great book!

GARDEN YOUR LOVE

Have you seen the movie  My Secret Garden?   It is about a little girl who has lost both her parents she goes to England to live with her uncle in a huge mansion.  The mansion is cold and loveless her Uncle has lost his zest for life when the love of his life, his wife died.   He and his beautiful wife spent hours on end in an incredible garden on the grounds.  

When this little girl comes to the mansion she finds this garden which is now hidden away and all grown over and dilapidated.   The little girl begins to tend the garden and miraculous it comes to life and becomes again a beautiful blossoming place.  At the same time the little girls heart and the uncle’s heart begin to blossom like the garden and their hearts are healed and the greif and bitterness that they have both experienced are replaced with love.

Just like that Secret Garden Love must be cultivated or it atrophies. it is important to tend or garden your love. Just like your plants, Love needs water, sun and some weeding. Don’t plant your love seeds and then get busy with other stuff you may come back to find your garden/love dead and wilted from neglect or ravaged by the gophers. To see Love blossom be sure you do your part and Love will do it’s part